Jewishless?

I was asked many times in my life how come I consider myself a Jew when I have a rather checkered religious heritage.

Mom is the daughter of an Irish Catholic mother and Protestant father. There was no contest there; she was raised in the Catholic Church. Her mother, Annie McGuinness was a woman who must be obeyed.

Pops' parents were both Jews whose forebears came from the German-Polish border, immigrated to England and then to the United States. All Pops' male relatives in England were either barristers or solicitors, and one was supposed to have been in practice with Disraeli. Don't take that as truth, it may be apocryphal. I have no idea where my paternal grandmother came from or anything about her other than the fact her name was Salina.

The German Jews who ended up in England considered themselves to be of a higher class then the Russian and other Eastern European Jews. The Spanish Jews were the top of the heap, but don't remind the Germans of that or they'll get snarky. On the other hand, they weren't very high on religious practices and in my father's case, let's say nil to none. Did he go to Shul? As far as I can remember, only if it was a wedding or funeral of a close friend. Did he observe the holidays? Yeah, he stayed home from work because the office was closed. It was, after all, a Jewish law firm and had to give a nod to the proprieties. Pops either went fishing or played golf instead of going to Shul. He considered himself Jewish, but in reality couldn't have cared less about practicing any religion.

Mom on the other hand had been a practicing Catholic, that is, until she was excommunicated. She did the unthinkable, divorce her first husband who she married in the Church and then, horror of all horrors!!!! – married a heathen Jew! Abomination! So, being pitched out of her Church, she was pissed off at the Catholics and decided I was to be raised as a Jew like my father, except he wouldn't be part of anything that had to do with religion.

Mom had patience though. As soon as Pops died, she bundled me off to the local Synagogue to learn how to be a Jew. It was Conservative and they threw me out since she wasn't Jewish and under the Law of Return, then neither was I. That did not daunt my mother – by hook or by crook I was going to be Jewish like my father. The joke was many years later I found out I was smuggled as an infant into the local Catholic church and baptized Catholic. The deed was done by one of my Irish Catholic nursemaids. I guess it didn't hurt me and it certainly doesn't worry me.

Next on Mom's list was Rabbi Schwartz at the Reformed Synagogue in White Plains. He was happy to take both her donation and me. Three years of Saturday School later I was confirmed. Yes, that was what it was called. In the 50's the idea of a woman having a Bat Mitzvah hadn't caught on yet. So, I guess I'm Jewish but I still don't think I could move to Israel. I'm probably not Jewish enough and I guess they wouldn't take me.

When my kids came along, their father was Jewish. Well, about as Jewish as my father had been. After Irwin and I divorced, the kids and I lived in a small community at the end of Long Island. There were very few Jews. It didn't bother me until the following event.

My daughter, Mimi, is adopted. She is part Korean and part American Occupation Forces in Korea. Her early education was at the nursery school and kindergarten at Temple Emanuel in Manhattan - the crème de la crème of reformed New York Jewry. Here was a beautiful little Eurasian five year old who could sing songs in Hebrew and about dreidels. Go know?

When we moved to Long Island she was about ten and the product of fancy private schools in New York and Temple Emanuel. She was terrified she was going to be discriminated against because she was Eurasian when we moved to a farm and fishing community on the North Shore of Long Island. I worked hard to tell her the word "discrimination" went two ways, people of discriminating taste only wanted the best things and she was so beautiful I was sure she would be all right. That was right on the money. She went to her class and at first everyone wanted to be her friend, all the boys swarmed around her and she was an instant success. That is, until the day she came home from school upset and laughing at the same time.

"What's up, Mim? Something bad happen at school today?" I asked. It wasn't like her to be upset.

"Mom, you won't believe this!" She wasn't sure it she was going to pitch a fit or laugh again.

"What happened?"

"Well, remember that I took off for the Jewish holiday last Friday?"

"Yeah, so?"

"The kids asked me why I missed school and I told them it was a Jewish holiday. Now they all hate me… because I'm Jewish."

I looked at her with my mouth open. This was something else. "Because you're Jewish?"

"Yeah mom - Jewish!"

That did it. I was going to make sure the kids at least understood what it was to be Jewish if they were going to be discriminated against because of it.

There was a very small synagogue in town that shared space with a local church. I went to see the Rabbi who informed me there was no religious school; there weren't enough Jewish kids in town to support one and he didn't want to deal with it anyway.

After polling some local Jewish buddies with kids, I discovered they wanted to send them for religious education - if it was available. Back to the Rabbi with five kids for his school – still didn't want to be bothered.

I went home and stewed about it for a few days, then made a decision. I had some education as a Reformed Jew and damn, I'm smart. In a flash I was back in Manhattan at Temple Emanuel and explained the situation to our old Rabbi. He gave me a list of reading that I bought and the next week started "Jewish School" with my two kids and three kids from friends. We met twice a week for an hour at my law firm and for a couple of years we all learned history and tradition. Believe it or not, we even put on a play at the synagogue on one of the high holidays. By then we had so embarrassed the Rabbi he decided to take over my school. After he did, the kids all dropped out because they didn't like him and it wasn't fun.

My class had been about the history of the Jews, the history of religions, archeology, traditions, culture, ethics, and why rules were needed. We got into reasons for the old rules and how all practices changed through the ages and what was borrowed from or by other religions. Maybe not traditional but I guess it was more interesting than some other religious education. After all, I am a lawyer and historian so it influenced my class. The parents asked me to start up the school again but I didn't want to alienate the rest of the Jewish community in a small town by going against their rabbi.

So the kids were educated about the Jewish religion, ethics, tradition, holidays and culture from a "maybe" Jew who didn't practice and normally wouldn't be caught dead in any kind of religious edifice other than to study the artwork and architecture. But, at the very least, I think the kids got enough knowledge to combat the red-neck discrimination they faced.

The whole thing aggravated my daughter so much she became anti-religion. When she was married many years later the only one available to perform the ceremony was a rather non-sectarian minister, rather like a military Chaplin. She took him by the arm before the ceremony and hissed in his ear, "And don't put in any of that god stuff!" I think she scared him to death because there was not a religious word in the whole ceremony.

My son was enrolled in Bar Mitzvah studies and rebelled, pulling out and refusing to continue. So much for the interest in religion in my family. Maybe it's genetic?

Early on I figured out religion was a disaster for my family. What with an Irish grandmother who called my Jewish father a "heathen" and an ex-communicated mother it wasn't a hard call. Then, I was called a "God killer" in grammar school by Carol Ann Smith who put her hands on her hips and pointed at me, "You're Jewish and you killed my God!" She turned around and stomped away. At that time I was about eight or nine and didn't know that I was Jewish yet, whatever that was, and had no idea what a god was other than my mother yelling "God damn it!" when she burned the ironing or dropped something.

I do remember going to Florida with my mother and sister after Pops died. We had a rented car and drove to hotel after hotel looking for a room but the signs out front all had either "No Jews Allowed" or "Restricted" in large letters – it meant the same thing and included blacks or people of any color other than lily white. Arthur Godfrey, the famous entertainer and radio host, owned several of the big fancy hotels at the north end of Miami Beach and they were all very prominently "RESTRICTED!"

Mom went into one that didn't have a sign out front, got a room and began to sign in. When the clerk saw her name was Greenbaum she was told the hotel didn't accept Jews. Remember Mom was Irish Catholic and Protestant with blonde hair and big blue eyes? She was so pissed off my sister and I had to drag her out of the office as she called the clerk every name in the book; and Mom knew a few combinations and permutations that were quite interesting.

We finally were able to check into a hotel because my sister was married and her married name was Kenney. Nice and Irish, right? Her husband's family name was Kenneshevsky – very Jewish from Poland, but thanks to the agent at Ellis Island who checked them in and couldn't spell or pronounce it, it got shortened to Kenney. The whole time we were at the hotel I skulked around fearful they'd find out we were interlopers, the dreaded Jews, and would be forced to leave. From then on I would pitch a fit if they tried to check into one of the Restricted hotels.

At Vassar College I was put in a far away corner of the dorm with other Jews, a Pakistani girl, an Arab and a scholarship student. There were no African-Americans in the dorm or they would have been stuffed into exile with us too. We were not mainstreamed with the other WASPS in those days. Maybe we were contagious?

I took it on myself to study religions, the Bible, some old and some new Testament, mythology, comparative religions and practices, as well as various beliefs.

By the time I graduated college, I had made a decision. I would be a Jew by tradition and heritage – period! I was a hater of all organized religions and gagged at the idea of believing in some imaginary friend who could cause such a cluster fuck among people. If there was an omnipotent god someplace, then they should have done a better job in figuring out that earthlings are so stupid they'd kill themselves incessantly over beliefs about whose imaginary friend was better.

The mythical being in the sky theory doesn't work at all for me, but what does is a code of ethics.

I really like some of the Ten Commandments. You can strike the first ones, starting with "I am your Lord, your God" going through the stuff about no other gods, no idols, wrongful use of name of god and keeping Sabbath holy. They conflict with the Bill of Rights that grants Americans freedom of religion. Think about that one – I dare you!...double dare?

The rest of the batch starting with "honor your father and mother," fits in with my belief in ethics as do the ones about not committing murder, stealing or bearing false witness; coveting neighbor's goods and wife (I thought the wife was considered part of "goods" or a chattel in those days…hmmmm…) are also just fine to keep the peace.

If you patch those onto the first ten amendments to the US Constitution you've got a heck of a document, don't you think? That way you add on freedom of speech, press, religion and right to petition, right to keep and bear arms (OK Sara, I'll give you one), and freedom from illegal search and seizure, right to trial by jury of peers, and right to a speedy trial. Now that compiles a list that'll help the world to co-exist in peace and it was brought to you by…me…a real person who gave it some thought. I would also add that people should not knowingly hurt their neighbors, and we should be responsible for the care and succor of our fellow man. And for heaven's sake, clean up your own messes! Let's not live in a land filled with garbage. But I'm getting off track. I think the ethical approach, if we really dig down inside ourselves gives us the internal moral compass that tells us what is right and wrong unless we are a sociopath or psychopath, and they don't care a fig about religion anyway. We know when we do wrong, and in many instances too numerous to name, religion has just facilitated, like a co-dependent, man's acting out his basest deeds.

And so ended my journey into the realms of religious beliefs. If I've offend you, I'm not really sorry. It is, after all, only my opinion and I'm certainly entitled to it. Not so by your religion? If that's the case, then I can only hope I've made you think...question?